Ah yes, it has come back to this. The dilemma over whether or not to go forward with my current person. My own personal antagonist, who gets his rocks off by reminding me over and over I have no power. Yesterday, it was subtle, but oh so screamy. In my mind, I was packing my bags. But again, I can't can I?
Or.... Can I?
Then I got to thinking, if I didn't have all these chains, I could do my own thing. Why do I have to feel like I have to have someone else to fuel my dreams? I'm chock full of mojo, yo. Why not just ride this train until the two-year ride is over (oh and btw, it's turning into three years, against my will) and then hop off with a wave and a bird? It would be painful and lonely, but at least I'd be free to raise my animals and veggies without the constant weight tugging on my optimism, right?
It has been suggested over and over that instead of a down payment, why not pay off the student loans? I have had my dukes up all this time, but now I'm considering the question and answering, "Huh. Why not?"
My one regret? Time. Means my monsters won't spend as much time on the farm. But, well, I'm dying inside. I feel the glue pulling, my stitches splitting and I really don't know how much longer I can hold on. Okay, not true, I'm way too damn stubborn to say something like that. I can hold on 'til my fingers fall off. But do I want to? Nope.
I just keep thinking... I'm dragging. And I'm dragging him.
Introducing Plan B!!! But I'll keep mum about that... I think you get the gist.
In other news, I've got the storage room downstairs nearly cleared out. I'm going to go buy three bike hangin' thingies and if I have to mount the goddamn things myself, I will. I'm getting the bikes off the floor to make room for the strollers so that my workout room is totally empty. I'm also going to buy the things necessary to put another shelf in the closet part of the room--yet another expression of my stubbornnes... I'll have to mount that myself. *eye roll* (If he'd just think about how much a gym membership would cost, he'd shut his fucking trap, wouldn't he?) When we went to the in-laws' house yesterday, I went up in the attic and found all the painting paraphenalia we used for our first apartment together. The sight of the residue on the rollers wrenched my heart like a vice. Memories of being in love. If I could only go back in time and bitchslap myself. Anyhoo, got the painting stuff and am going to go buy my own goddamn paint (stubbornness), painter's tape and maybe a polyurethane drop cloth? Gotta call around and find a carpet shampoo-er (he's against that, too... see where this is heading? And this ain't even the farm, yo... it's just a goddamn workout room... *eye roll* See what I'd have to deal with on EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DECISION I'd want to make on the farm?). I'd LOVE to be able to replace the carpet... Or even rip it up and polish the floor underneath. But even I know that would cost some bux.
So, yeah, that's where that is as far as health is concerned. I did really well for a week and lost three pounds and then I got pissed off and put it back on. *eye roll* It's more a matter of being lost. I'm scared of people, I guess. I mean, dude, I have a jogging stroller. I could put Lolo into it and go to the park right. now. But I'm agoraphobic here. Back home, I'd already have been at the Y for hours by now. I'd have gone to the pool at the buttcrack of dawn and had Sam drop the kids off at the ChildWatch so I could do kickboxing and Zumba. That's why I'm doing the damn gym room. I'm gonna get that bitch working and I'm gonna get up at the butt crack and do my own damn kickboxing and Zumba, all by my lonesome. And MAYBE that will shake up my phobia and let me go outside.
Oh, but there's a ray of light.... The daycare said that starting in June, Lily might go full time and Lolo would be able to go an extra day. That would give me a WHOLE extra day to work. And maybe all that extra work getting done would push me to get the heck outta the house. AND in September, BOTH Ryan and Lily will be in school and maybe Lolo will pass up to full time at the daycare. That would be like Heaven. Look, I LOVE my kids. LOVE them. Worship them, even. But being able to spend ALL day doing whatever I want... Well, that just sounds lovely. Even if Lolo only went to school like Lily does now (every morning and two full days), THAT would mean I'd get SO much work done.
Why am I not getting work done right now you ask? Well, because every time I get into it, a little diaper butt comes over and puts up her arms. "Up." And I won't say no. So, I'm seldom motivated to even start... I wait until they nap to work. And that's okay because I'm starting to realize just how fortunate I am to be able to hang with my kids at home when they are babies. But I'd love to get this book revised. LURVE it!
I shaved my pits yesterday. Don't even know why. Maybe because I had had that whole Plan B epiphane while I was undressing to step into the shower. Maybe I felt like shaving meant the dawning of a new day. I'm not going to make it a habit and I admit that it feels kinda gross to have bare pits now that I got used to the fuzz, but oh well. At least I didn't put on anti-persperant, yeah? LOL.
BTW... May 15 was the 30-day exclusivity mark for the AMD/assistant. I sent a reminder but have no news... No news is good news? OR no news means I should be looking for an agent who will get back to me in a timely manner (as promised)? I mean, am I going to be allowed flexible deadlines as well? *scratches head*
So, I finally got the Grumps pix uploaded and figured I'd go ahead and share those witchuz...
Perouges... this is when we went to that kick ASS medieval city nearby...
Who's that kid?
Wine Tasting Cave
Store (upstairs from the wine tasting cave):
Medieval wine press:
Annecy is a town close to where Sam's parents live. We went there one day but it was FULL of tourists, so we didn't stay long. Still there were some pretty sights (the mountains, the castle, the canal running through the city).
Crazy kid wouldn't let me take a picture of the alley *eye roll*:
This used to be a prison:
Easter at Pepe and Meme's house (with Grumps!):
Rock stars... Ryan on guitar, Lily on vocals, Lolo on backup dancing:
In the yard at Pepe's house:
Stairs in Lyon:
Door knocker in Lyon:
Walking up the hill to Fourviere in the Jardin de la Roseraie:
Some new stuff at the Roman ruins in Lyon (stuff I didn't see when I went with Shannen that I discovered when I went with Grumps... I don't think they're done excavating it):
Went to Grenoble and drove up that crazy mountain to see the Bastille (remember?) instead of taking those bubble cable car mofos... Walked into some cool caves and then WALKED DOWN THE HILL instead of riding in the van (where I saw some cool plants/flowers/trees and walked through some kick ass passageways). Then, we ate at the second oldest resto in France (La Table Ronde). Ryan was on vacation and went with us.
At the top:
From the Bastille...
From the trail...
Sights on my walk down the hill:
Scary, maze-y, stair thingy that I opted out of and instead followed the trail:
Gates of the walled city of Grenoble:
La Table Ronde:
So, there you go... You wish I hadn't? Sorry. I know that was probably photo-overload... I probably should have given them to you a little at a time... but I wanted to get that over with. Y'all take care!