Monday, January 11, 2010

I probably shouldn't.... while I'm pissed, but tough shit.

Okay, where were we? Oh yeah, so, Friday, I go in and have the "more precise" ultrasound from a "more experienced" ultrasound doctor, right? Guess what she told me? Nothing new. There you go. She made me another appointment to come back tomorrow, Tuesday, to do a "diagnostique ante-natale" (prenatal diagnostic).

I Googled it when I got home and other than ANOTHER ultrasound, it's supposed to involve amniocentesis (sp?)--which seems pretty impossible since there ISN'T any damn fluid in there, taking blood samples from the baby (!!!!!!) and taking samples from the placenta (!!!). Why is no one talking about dehydration?

Today, I asked Sam to call our regular OB (because she wasn't there on Friday when he called) to talk to her about all this. She said for us to keep the appointment tomorrow because it's what she would have eventually told us to do. *fuming* When Sam asked her if it might be caused by dehydration, she said that she's "absolutely sure" that it's not because dehydration wouldn't cause THAT much of a lack in fluid.

So, I tell Sam I want another opinion. He sighs and tells me that he's worried about going tomorrow because he's afraid I'm going to diagree with the doctors and go against what they recommend. Um, no, I'm not going to go against it. But I AM going to refuse any needles being involved until dehydration is CLINICALLY ruled out as a possibility. That made him mad. I told him that doctors are not omniscient gods or superheros with special magic powers and that moms who have been through this at the exact same stage can NOT be completely insane. And it just seems freaking LOGICAL to rule it out. LOGICAL... Doesn't it to you? I mean, wouldn't you want to rule out the most obvious possible problem? He actually said that yes, he was going to believe the doctors who do this thing every day over a group of mothers who don't know anything.



So, I feel pretty fucking alone and angry right now. I'm going to have to fight tooth and nail, all by my self, to insist they look at other things. To insist they look at problems in MY health before they go poking around on that poor defenseless baby, dammit! I just don't understand why he can't ever be on my side. EVER. Even if he doesn't agree with me, why couldn't he, for once, support me and my feelings and wishes? Why?

I won't forget it. I won't forget that, once again, I have to fight alone. That the person who is supposed to be my partner is on the other side of the fence from me. If we didn't already have children together, this would definitely be the end. I appreciate all the times he has been there for me AFTER procedures and stuff like that, but I'm getting sick and tired of fighting fights all by myself. And you know, this isn't the first time I've complained about this particular deal-breaking issue of his, is it? Look back over the past months since we've been in France.

But, I have news... of another kind.

We're going back to the States in 2010. When depends on the baby. I guess. Sam says if the baby is fine and is going to be born, then we'll go back in May as planned. If we have to terminate the pregnancy, he wants to stay through until July. He may be staying here with the kids by himself if it comes to that. Because if he can't be here for me now, how the FUCK is he going to be here and be supportive when I have to agree to KILL MY BABY?????????

I want my mommy. I want to go home to my bubble. My cushion of friends. My big hug. If I have to lose yet another child in this gods-forsaken country, I swear, I don't want to stay here another freakin' second.

I'm happy we're going home. I'm sorry for Sam and his obsession with the wallet. I'm sorry for his parents and family. But I'm happy for my children. I'm happy that we'll get to start our lives and get out of this unreality.

Oh, back to the medical shit. So, I remembered that the OB said that I had high levels of albumin in my urine. I googled that. Guess what's associated with that? DEHYDRATION as well as gestational diabetes (which might explain why the baby was "bigger" (according to the doctor) at this stage than he/she should be). So, I'm going to bring that up tomorrow at the meeting thing.

Okay, that's enough bitching for today. Thanks for indulging me. For sticking with me through this. Erica in Houston, I love ya, chick, and I'm sorry I haven't been in touch and that I haven't commented on your comments and I keep meaning to write you, but I have been really out of it (for reasons you've read here), but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate your continued readership, friendship and support.

Peace out until tomorrow.


Erica said...

Okay, despite the bitching, I smiled at the end of that one!

Responses are not expected.

But sending good hydrated healthy frenchy baby thoughts.

I'll be in Florence in two weeks! Too bad it's 8 hrs from Lyon (Oh yeah, I googled it...)

Sara said...

You are never far from my thoughts.
Today more than ever.

Veggie said...

I'm glad I know the end already ... I would have been up all night worrying.

Glad things are getting better.