I've been wanting to write but 1) there hasn't been much to say, really and 2) I've lived in a pain-killer-induced fog since last Wednesday.
The miscarriage sucked, man. The first two days were REALLY hard because I seemed to be in CONSTANT crampy pain. AND I didn't want to take my anti-cramp medicine because I figured the more I cramp, the more my uterus is contracting, the more stuff will get out of there and the less of a chance I stand to have to get a D&C (surgical intervention for removing "debris" from the uterus). I did take the heavier pain killers to sort of lessen the intensity and take the edge off. That worked, like I said, for the first two days. Then, my stupid old drug-happy body worked up a tolerance. I found myself staring at the clock, waiting for the second hand to go around one more time so that I could finally take some more stuff and calm down the pain. I'm making a bigger deal out of it than necessary. I've delivered four babies and the cramps I was having after the second day were nothing compared to actual labor contractions (though those aren't really painful either... not really... I describe those as "productive"). The main difference is that in a labor situation, you know that in a few hours, it will all be worth it because the long ass journey of pregnancy will be over and you'll be holding a brand new little person who smells good and laughs in his/her sleep. In a miscarriage situation, all you get is organ-sized blood clots, the feeling that your vagina has exploded, and the knowledge that you'll have to wait a couple of months before you try again.
None of this is unbearable, I say again. It's just annoying.
Just like I kept forgetting I was pregnant, I keep forgetting now that I'm not. I guess I just barely got used to it. Just enough to be confusing. And then, every time I open my closet and see my new maternity stuff hanging there, I sigh and get antsy to wear it. My mind even says, "Dude, some of this stuff is long sleeved. I had better get knocked up again so I can wear it before it gets too hot." *eye roll* The shit our minds come up with, eh?
The bright side is that I can start exercising again. I mean really exercising. And mean it, you know? I wanted to start this morning, but the suck ass side effect of my pain-killers is this ridiculous insomnia. I stayed up until 6am last night, lay down for a nap and then woke back up at 7:30am, refreshed and ready to do housework. *eye roll* Whatever! Had I gone to bed at a decent hour, I could have done a quick half hour at the park and come back and ridden my bike or something. Oh well. Since I'm still bleeding, it might not be a bad idea to give it another week, huh? I know myself. As long as I HAVE the pain killers, I'll take them. I'm way too drug happy to let good pain killers sit around un-taken. So, at least I have another good week to get 'em gone and maybe even out of my system.
I think I might go vegan for a week and then go on a juice fast for a week or so afterwards. I want to get all that American crap out of my system (and probably not a bad time to get all the pain killer shit out of my body, too). I know this is going to sound all hokey and hippy, but I can actually FEEL all the toxins and crap I ate while I was there. Does that make any sense? Sometimes I HATE that I'm THIS in-tune with my body. And it seems like that six months of eating organic/local/seasonal has only heightened this sixth sense. *eye roll* I feel like I need to brush my insides... Like I wish there was some sort of Listerine I could take for my guts. Lol! It's weird. I've been eating just fine since I've been back (with the exception of that nasty ass "banana split" flavored ice cream cone I ate yesterday... blech! well... that AND all the alcohol I drank on Saturday... but that's the way that goes). But still, I feel like a detox is in order.
Then, once that's done, I'll go back to eating normally (with maybe a slight reduction to my animal products consumption... just a SLIGHT reduction... and a slight augmentation of my vegetable protein consumption). During all this (the detox and easing back in to normal eating) I'll probably walk, do some toning exercises and maybe some yoga, but I'll try to keep my heavy cardio to a minimum until I get back to my normal diet. My goal is to take back off this weight that I've put on, HOPEFULLY just in time to play around with pregnancy again.
I have been reflecting and analyzing all that stuff. The pregnancy stuff. You know, I never really felt strong. Have I mentioned this before? If so, skip ahead. But, you know, I was down from one cold/flu/other misc. microbe after another for over TWO months when I GOT pregnant. My body was already pretty depleated of minerals, immunity and energy. So, I never felt really STRONG and ready. During that whole time I was cognitively pregnant, I felt like I was trying to catch up with my body. Running after something. The only time I felt really strong and healthy was the morning of the half and I'm sure that a huge percentage of that was due to adrenaline and positivity (not to mention, the warm, balmy weather of Houston thawing me out and visits with one smiling friend after another probably didn't hurt matters one bit).
I don't like to be pregnant that way. I like to enjoy my pregnancies. I like to feel strong and ready and determined. Part of me is almost relieved to have a chance to start over from scratch. It's like if my new boyfriend's parents were to stop by unannounced and that was to be my first meeting with them. You know, the first time you meet your boyfriend's/girlfriend's parents, you want to have done your situps that morning, have taken a nice long shower, have slathered yourself with lotion, have chosen the right outfit, have brushed (or whitened even) your teeth and be READY when they get there. You don't want something so important and excited SPRUNG on you without warning. I know I sound like a spoiled, rationalizing brat, but I'm trying to see the POSITIVE sides of this miscarriage.
There are negative sides, too. Now, when I see babies and pregnancy on TV or in real life, I feel a twinge of, "Wait! Wait for me! I'm gonna get pregnant too! In a... couple... of... months." Like I noticed that a buddy of mine is going to have a baby in August. That would make her about the same amount of "pregnant" as I was. *sigh* We could have been preggo buddies. Our kids would have been born at the same time and would eventually probably be in the same playgroup and who knows? But nope. Not now. I mean, shit, they'll still only be a couple months apart. But a couple of months is nothing AFTER they're born. It seems like freaking FOREVER before they are. I have other friends whose kids are only a few months different in age than my kids and I think that's pretty close now. But when I think about all the chicks who got pregnant at the same time as I and how they're now going to go on and HAVE their babies... It's like getting passed and left behind in a race you started as a group. You wave politely and tell them to go on ahead, but you know you'll never really catch up.
Dude... Melodrama, right? I really should have gotten some sleep, huh?
So, after a sucky end of the week, my friends Flavia and Gilles came over on Saturday to eat dinner and play board games. I made a cold beet salad from beets Sam had bought at the market earlier in the day and that I had steamed right away. Those, mixed with some chopped schallots (?... scallions, maybe?... dude, what the hell are they called in English?) *shrug*, some mustard, lemon juice and a splash of white sauce made with vinegar and yogurt.
Then, I made a HUGE pot of lentil soup with organic lentils, potatoes, carrots, onions, cauliflower, garlic, chorizo and wild boar sausage. That shit was GOOD!!!
Then, I made a pear pie. I took the crust dough leftover from the quiche I had made Thursday, re-rolled it and put it in the tin. I melted a 200g bar of dark dessert chocolate (yes, organic/fair-trade) and spread it on the crust. I put pear halves down on the chocolate and then, I prepared a small amount of batter made of flour, salt, baking powder, an egg, a little yogurt and a splash of kirsch. I drizzled the batter over the pears. Half an hour later, we had pear pie. That bitch was one of those slap-yo-mama good situations. I didn't think of putting ice cream or chantilly on it until after my piece was gone. Dammit!
To drink, I had two big glasses of litchi liquor mixed with multifruit juice. I had water with dinner. But when dinner was over, I broke out the digestive liquors. The home-made one that Patrice gave me, made of plums and VERY strong--truly will burn a hole through your dinner and make room for more--and some Cointreau (orange flavored). Then, Gilles showed me how to drink rhum the way they did when he went somewhere in the carribean (can't remember where). You take a lemon, and quarter it, no, eighth (?) it. You squeeze an 8th of lemon into the glass and let the lemon drop in. You pour in some rhum. And then you put in about a teaspoon of raw brown sugar (orgaaaaaniiiic of course *grin*) and then swirl--not stir or shake or whatever--the mixture. If you have enough room in the glass, the lemon will help mix everything. The first sip tastes a little strange, but by the end of the glass, you're wanting more.
We played Sorry, during which Flavia won the first time and I won the second. For the first time in my life, I saw someone NOT move once the WHOLE game. I felt so bad for Gilles! And then, near the end, he was able to get out and he was HILARIOUS!!! Oh my god, I was laughing so hard, my sides, cheeks and head hurt. At one point, Sam held his elbow and said, "Aye! I hurt myself." I said, "Funnybone?" And Sam looked at me blankly and said, "No, I set my elbow down on a breadcrumb and it poked me." Gilles looked at him all serious and said, "Dude, that hurts, doesn't it? I've heard of dudes getting their arms ripped off by breadcrumb. It's dangerous. And get this... there are even people who have cut themselves with a sheet of paper!" Okay, so maybe it's not as funny in English, but the tone of voice, the look on his face and just the right amount of rhum in my veins and that shit was hilarious!!!! *sigh* Cracking me up just thinking about it.
Then, we played Yahtzee, which Flavia won. AND, I came in second.... That's just CRAZY because Sam usually rips me a new asshole when we play Yahtzee... this time, he came in last. And then, I taught them a dice game called Around the Corner. Gilles kept saying, "Je peux aller Around Zee Cor-nair?" really exaggerating the English part and nearly making me pee my pants!!! Dude! I really needed that. I'm so glad they came over. Laughter really is the best medicine. I'm hoping to be able to meet up with them and see Benjamin Button when it gets here. I'm really glad to have buddies to lean on.
Oh, crap, I just realized it's almost noon. I had better get scootin'. I uploaded some long overdue pix over the weekend, so I'm gonna put 'em up here (sorry that took so long, Grumps) real quick. Thanks for indulging my rambling. I needed to blabber.
Hope you enjoy the pix!
The set-up for the sushi party back in December:
My "chapon" (nearly wild chicken bought at the farmer's market... comes with head and neck... I had the honorable job of chopping that shit off.. *in my best Borat voice* Itsa niiice!):
Lolo's new hobby--climbing on stuff:
Ryan and Lily sharing the love seat while Mama was gone to Houston:
The following are pix I finally downloaded from my phone:
Sam at that hotel where we lived in the beginning--just got our new camera phones!
Lolo's appreciation for French bread.
Ryan and Lily in the carousel (or as Ryan likes to call it, the "miracle round")at the grocery store.
Never leave Lily alone with pasta... Never!
Drunken photos of myself with my camera phone (Ju, this was the night before you left)! I was cold without my green jacket, but happy that it would be with you!
Ladybug (mine and Sam's sort of relationship "talisman" if you believe in that hocus pocus (ahem, I kinda do, *cough*)) in my brand new office in my new apt. No furniture yet, but a ladybug is always a good sign.
Lolo in her cloth dipey taking advantage of the sensation of the cool floor on a full fat belly.
Grocery store Miracle Round again!
Miracle Round at the park... doesn't look as fun, huh? Looks like they clocked in for this one.
Airplane jungle gym at the park! (Ryan is lost because he still can't speak French.)
Lily in the stroller, marvelling at something.
Deer at the park.
Ryan and Lolo in the bike trailer.
GRAFITI BIRD on the wall inside the place where I did that Journee Civique (the class I took on French culture and whatnot... where I met Flavia). Remember I was all excited about it?
Tis the season... They always set up the Grande Roue (big wheel) in the yuletide.
Ice skating on Bellecour.
Cars at the Lyon airport... Already made me miss my kids before I even left. Felt weird sitting in an airport (and taking a plane) without them.
The kids making dinner.
Lily watching Ryan play his Aurthur game.
The middle ages (Ryan takes this very seriously, A poses EVERY time the camera comes out, Lily looks dumbfounded and Lolo just wants me to take the scratchy dress off of her).
We put a roof on the castle... only lasted a couple of hours cuz it kept getting knocked down, but it was fun while it lasted.
"I'm chock FULL of personality!!!"
That oughta do it for now, huh? See ya's tomorrow?