Sunday, June 14, 2009

Thoughts and fears...

Thought: It was sometime around this time of year that I found my dad. Seven years? I was 27. I'm 34. So, yeah. 7 years. I can't BELIEVE that! Wow, that flew by. I'm feeling pretty guilty and slacker-y for how bad I've become at keeping in touch with him. I searched and yearned for him all through my childhood and then, once I found him (after a couple-year honeymoon of sorts) fizzled into a pen-pal relationship with him. Then again, that pretty much means he's one of the family since I don't talk to anyone anymore. It's not because I don't love 'em. I'm just busy. Same old excuse, eh? How much time does it take to send an email that says, "Hi, I love you?" I'm putting that on my to-do list for today. Better yet...Dad, I love you! And Mommy too. And EMH!

I'm so glad I found him. Even if I don't show him how much I truly appreciate the fact that he is alive. And not a bum. And not a Republican. He's a funny, loving, sweet person and I can see where a lot of me came from. I want to say more, Dad, but I don't know how you'd feel about me blaring it all over the net. Suffice it to say that I'm gonna write a chapter on us soon. So, I've been thinking about you a lot. I love you!

Thought: I used to be SO in love with Julian Lennon. In. Freakin'. Love! I used to cry over him. I'm writing a chapter on that, too. I hope I get published.

Fear: I'm scared to go home. There you go. Been said now. Why? I got into a friendly discussion with an old college acquaintance and it turned a strange direction when she asked if the French hate Americans:

"They don't hate ALL Americans. They're relieved that we've elected Obama. The whole globe is relieved."

"I bet they are. I wouldn't know because I didn't support Obama, so they'd probably hate me."

"Nah. They wouldn't hate you. You lost. The world won."

We started talking about her fish who just died (she bought 'em from WalMart).

"Yeah, I think I'll name the next two Palin and Huckabee."

"Poor fish."

"To each his own."

When she said she didn't support Obama, I was prepared to leave it there. She brought the Palin/Huckabee thing up. And I didn't overtly insult them. Wanted to. Didn't.

I shouldn't have been affected in the least by this little teensy exchange. But I was. Plagued me for the rest of the day. I just don't understand how college-educated people could EVER vote for Sarah Palin or Mike Huckabee. Especially Hucakbee. He fucking said he wanted to quarantine all AIDS sufferers. Does that mean kids, too, Mike, you douchebag? Do these people not KNOW these things about their candidates? Who wants a douchebag like that representing them? I don't get it. And Palin? Really? She's become a joke. I'm not saying there aren't JOKE-Y dems... I mean, I think Biden is a big honking blabbering idiot, personally. I think he was Obama's first mistake (not his only one either). Actually, personality-wise, I bet Palin and Biden are neck and neck.

Okay, none of that is the point I'm trying to make. What I'm trying to say is that it shocked me. I think in the almost year we've been here, I've forgotten. I mean, I haven't forgotten the existence of fundamental conservative evangelical Republicans. The idea of them. But I forgot about the REALITY of them. A reality that scares me. I guess I just repressed them. But now, I'm planning on moving back to a VERY conservative place. Lynchvegas (thanks NJH!), is the former playground of Jerry Falwell. Actually, it's the CURRENT legacy of the wackjob. What am I THINKING? Do I really wanna move into a huge community of queer-haters? Okay, that's not fair. It's probably not a HUGE community of queer-haters. I've recently heard that there's a pretty cool/eclectic gay bar and I know of at least one male gay couple there, so all is not lost. But Sam was looking on the net about the school in the area in which we found a VERY interesting property and on the school website, I shit you not, someone left a comment about how they are so impressed with this school's PTA because they start every meeting with prayer. FUCK THAT!!!! Okay, y'all know I love me some Jesus, but I also love me some Constitution, yo. And the Constitution said don't do that shit. If some of the rents and teachers wanna get together away from the school and do a quick prayer (or a long one *shrug*) for the PTA, that's fine, but to come onto the school grounds and pray just gives me the willies. What do the parents who DON'T believe in God do? Just stand there and shuffle their feet? I mean, I'm a big pray-er, but I've lost my taste for the hold hands and pray group prayer thing. I used to like it... when I went to a RELIGIOUS school, where it was known that religion was a part of the curriculum and what not (I'm also really glad I LEFT that school and got to see the world through unfiltered eyes). But it was more social than spiritual (for me anyway).

What am I afraid of? Okay, I'm afraid that we're going to get there, and I'm going to see things I don't like, and I'm going to run my big fat mouth or become an activist. Isn't that awesome? It is. And I'd LOVE to do it. Gives me a hard-on THINKING about it. About turning Lynchvegas into Austin or something. About being a queer pioneer!!! That should be capitalized... Queer Pioneer! But, having lived in a small-ish, fundamentalist town, I know that those kinds of actions almost ALWAYS evoke uneducated and hateful retaliation.

Now, if I were alone, I'd be like BRING THAT SHIT ON!!! But... I got kids. If I'm the big-mouthed queer farmer bitch, what does that make my kids? Will I not be able to send them to public school? I don't want to shield them from all hardship, I just don't want them to become the victims of hate stuff. I don't want them to hate ME for their being subjected to crap about ME. I mean, school is hard enough. They're going to be made fun of. They're going to get hurt. They're going to be exposed to some hard shit. And on some levels, that's good for them. Cultural capital and all that. But, if it's on account of MY big mouth, I'm afraid that they'll resent me. And gay people.

Ugh. And I'm just not the type to keep my mouth shut. I might end up having to pay for private school. Or not since most of the ones I've seen so far are religious.

So, all of this sparked my looking at Charlotte again. Guess what I found? I found twenty acres for $200K!!! WOW! not. That's 20acres with NOTHIN' included. No well, no septic, nothin'. Know what I can get in Lynchvegas for $200K? 30 acres, a 1800sq. ft. house with well, septic, woods, cleared land, road frontage, fences, a spring fed creek... shall I go on? I don't see any other choice. Maybe I'm greedy. Maybe it's the land. The way I see it, I can have a utopian farm on 5 acres in Charlotte where I'm sure to be comfy and to feel like I fit in... OR, I can have a great big ol' farm surrounded by woods in a town where I might feel like an outsider and never completely safe.

Since it's become all about the farm... I think it's gonna be Lynchvegas. I think I'm gonna hafta get there, keep my trap shut, make some friends (across the spectrum of politics and religion), get active in the community and take my time slowly, gradually, making positive changes. That'll be a tough-y for me since I'm NOT a patient person. But I'll have to make it work, eh?

Know what I love? Home made salsa. I do. Sorry, but I do. I love to make it all by myself and dip my spoon into that pan just before puttin' it into the jars and taste that yummy summery goodness and know that it came from a garden close to where I live. I can't WAIT for that damn farm. I can't WAIT to put up jars of salsa in which every single ingredient (except maybe the cumin .... but EVENTUALLY) came from my own land. The ground I walk on. Fertilized by compost that I composted. And by the poop of the goats that ATE the GRASS on the LAND we LIVE on!!! I get all giddy and shivery when I think about it. I'm such a dork. DORK.

I got moody again yesterday, so I headed to the movies. Saw Coraline. Not bad except for aforementioned lack of props to Neil Gaiman. And I saw a French flick called Les Beaux Gosses which was HILARIOUS. It reminded me of the book I just finished (King Dork). I could see cultural parallels between the American book and the French movie and that made me happy.

I wanted this entry to be all deep and reflective and whatnot, but dude, it's really super humid today. And there's NO breeze. And I have to go make red pasta sauce. And I think Lolo is jumping on my bed with her shoes on. So, I'm a little distracted. Maybe I'll find a way to get back in here later and be all deep and stuff.

Oh shit, I almost forgot. I walked yesterday. YES, I DID! One lap around the park. 2.43 miles. And I ate like I was sposed to. After my walk, I had one slice of multigrain bread with almond butter spread on it with a coffee. I snacked on a Danactive sorta thingy. For lunch, I had a little piece of quiche lorraine (that I made the day before) and a few spoons of a salad I made of bulgour, mint, garlic, lemon, maters, cukes, sea salt and plain yogurt. I did have ONE PIECE of cherry clafouti that I made the day before. Then, I drank LOTS of water. For dinner, I had the same thing but with a glass of white wine. Then, I went to the movies and I DID. NOT. EAT. POPCORN. I did, however, get a medium iced tea because I'm still coughing a little and needed something for hydration (plus, I was so tired from spending the day in the kitchen that I needed a little caffeine boost). I got up and weighed myself this morning (I know I shouldn't, but *shrug*) and had lost three pounds already. But, I know this is going to be a one day at a time thing. I know that I'm REALLY susceptible around my . and that I'm going to feel crazy wicked cravings. I'm just gonna hafta prepare myself to buckle down when that time comes. I'm taking the day off from activity today since I have Lolo, but tomorrow, I plan to walk again and then finish the gym room (and maybe actually use it?). I MIGHT do some situps today when Lolo goes to bed, but I'm not committing to anything.

Okay, really, she's probably destroyed my comforter with her shoes by now.

Taker easy.

5 comments:

Brandy Nelson said...

Hey,
Funny that you mentioned Julian Lennon. I just read an article about him. He got in touch with his old school friend Lucy when he found out she was ill with Lupus. I didn't know it, but she was the inspiration for Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. It is a touching story.
About Lynchburg....have you tried going to the Lynchburg Topix and asking about the town. You can type in Topix and Lynchburg, VA and see where it takes you. Maybe you will find some kindred spirits on there.

Alisha said...

Ah, the fundamentalist Christians! You just reminded me of why I have been wanting to move to Washington/Oregon. Even my plumber has tried to convert me to his religion here. Being an atheist in Springfield can be a tad alienating at times.

Joelie said...

Bran... Yeah, that's why I thought of him again this week. I'll check out the Topix thing.

Alisha... I went to College of the Ozarks for two and a half years. I'm a CHRISTIAN and that place gave me the itchies, yo. Got fond memories, but there's some skerry folkses too.

Rachel said...

What the heck is Lynchvegas?

Erica said...

I've been a total slacker blog reader BUT Lynchvegas! Ha! Cracks me up. I'm not writing off VA just yet, you never know what you may find when you take the path that opens up...

And quiche?? Did I miss the whole vegan thing? I almost made a vegan dish with quinoa the other night. Almost because I used chicken stock and butter, but it could have been vegan dammit!